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It has been a struggle.  I started P90X at 130 lbs and somehow gained 7 lbs.  Well, not "somehow".  I know how.  I did it by not watching what I was eating at all.  And skipping workouts.  But the difference this time is that I keep moving forward.  In the past I would quit and think I had to start over.  But not this time.  If I miss a workout - that's it.  I can't get it back.  If I eat poorly, I don't allow myself to say "oh well I might as well ride out the rest of the weekend".  I just pick myself up and move forward.

So this is why in week 2, Phase 2 of P90X, I'm now 134 lbs. 

On the one hand, it's depressing as hell that I let myself get to this point.  But, I'm proud of myself for sticking with something and seeing it through. 

I've also done a lot of soul searching, I'm the type who needs to find a root cause.  And there are several contributing factors.  I figure if I can identify them, I can find a way to eliminate them.

1) My job is completely sedentary.  I have an hour commute each way.  That means 11 hours a day sitting on my ever expanding bottom.  Then when I get home I'm exhausted and I don't feel like working out so what do I do?  Sit on my rear some more shoveling junkfood into my mouth while I'm on the computer and watching tv.

Resolution:  Originally I tried a BodyBugg.  I love the concept.  I love having something tell me all day long how many calories I'm burning, what my activity level is, how many steps I've taken.  On the downside I hated having to wear this big thing on my arm for the world to see.  I also didn't like the fact that I have to pay a subscription fee to download the data and clear out the memory.  So for Christmas, those brilliant dogs of mine decided to order mommy a FitBit.  It hasn't come yet, but I'm looking forward to getting the benefits of the BodyBugg, without the drawbacks.  It's so small I can wear it on my jeans pocket.  From past experience I know this will keep me accountable.  I can even sleep with it on my wrist.  So no more "darn forgot to put it on before I left the house" moments.  I will be very aware of my activity level (or lack thereof).

2) I never realized I wasn an emotional eater.  I don't think I am in the traditional sense.  I've come to the conclusion that I'm a "defensive" eater.  The times in my life when weight has been an issue, have been times when I've been hurt very badly in a relationship and wanted to make sure I never let anyone close again.  So I am in a sense, building a physical wall to keep anyone out.

Resolution:  I'm in a much healthier place now.  I'm over it.  And I'm not letting someone who wasn't worth my heart to begin with, having any more control over me.  I've insulated myself enough.  It's time to live again.

3) Unhealthy food choices.  I realize that for the time being, I can't rely on myself to make the right food choices.  I want to eat cleaner not only for weight reasons but for health reasons as well.  But who has the time?  I would pack my lunch and snacks for work but then come home starving and grab candy or chips or popcorn.  If left to my own devices I would eat snacks all day and never any real meals.  I would actually get up in the morning and have queso and chips for breakfast!  (My biggest weakness).

Resolution:  Diet to Go.  It's expensive.  But it won't be forever.  Right now I need healthy, clean food that is ready to go for me.  I need to stay out of the grocery store so I am not tempted by the chips aisle.  Eventually of course I need to be able to have discipline to do this on my own, but for now, having clean, healthy, non-processed, tasty food delivered to my house is the answer.

4) Too tired to work out when I get home.  I have developed another bad habit.  I can't get out of bed in the morning.  Not out of depression, but because I never seem to sleep through the night.  But after my long commute, long day, and that special kind of fatigue you get from sitting at a desk staring at a computer all day long (I'll take physical exhaustion over that any day) I just couldn't face working out.  So now I am forcing myself to work out in the mornings.  Not an easy feat for a non-morning person. 

Resolution:  I saw a commercial that said a body at rest tends to stay at rest.  A body in motion stays in motion.  And it's true.  If I start my days with a good workout, I'm more active all day.  I'm energized.  I sleep better too.

5) Sometimes the dread factor of a particular workout will make me want to skip it.  (Yoga - any form of Yoga!!!)

Resolution:  Do something else.  I've been stubbing a TurboFire cardio workout instead.  You have to do what you like.

So 2010 is ending on a positive note.  I have some challenges.  But I've faced them.  And I am now going to conquer them.