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Sounds like a simple choice but I realize that our daily choices indicate what decision we've already made. Are you alive? I realize that I have been dead for a long time suppressing my true feelings, thoughts and desires to please others. I've lived an unfulfilled life up to this point. I turn 40 in about a month. I'm not really looking forward to it because I know that I am not livining the life that I am truly capable of. I've tried to change more times than I care to account and began to realize that with a superficial change the results are here today and gone tomorrow. I sometimes feel as if it is time for me to concede to the fact that I will live a mediocre life but there is this urging inside of me that won't allow me to quit. It really is a frustrating cycle of small victories followed by big disappoinments. I feel as if I am in a state of always becoming and never being. I want lasting change. I know that sounds like an oxymoron and I guess that is the point-right? Is there such a thing as lasting change? Maybe the key is that we need to embrace the idea that we are always becoming and through that process simultaneously being. I think I'm on to something here. I would guess that it is truly about enjoying the journey because that is all you really have. Constant challenges keep you in the realm of becoming and simultaneously being. I may be wrong but that is how you would produce lasting change. What do you think?

 Due to a lack of dealing with issues that have plagued me in my life I have developed a habit of binge eating. I have been a member of Beachbody since 08 (if memory serves). In that time I have lost and gained weight more times than I care to remember. I am due to be married at the end of the month and will be turning 40 in September as well so I feel a heightened sense of urgency. I'v deferred my hopes and dreams due to lack of confidence, self-limiting beliefs, inadequate life strategies and coping mechanisms.  I've wasted so much time trying to avoid the unavoidable. I just have to deal with MY life the way it is-flaws and all. Perfection is an impossble goal but the pursuit of perfection is a worthy journey to undertake because even if I fail (which I will) in it's attainment I will still be my best self. I can't run and hide from my issues I have to confront them head on.

 I am taking a Detox and Cleanse supplement for the next several days along with drinking plenty of lemon water and holding myself to only one meal per day. Iwill do this for the entire next 2 days (Thursday & Friday) and half the day on Saturday. On Saturday I will slowly incorporate foods  back into my diet. I am taking my fit test, measurements, and pics on Sunday. I begin P90X Round 2 on Monday.

Life Stuff

Relationships

 I'm meeting with a friend today for a few drinks and some pool. I've never ever really been on a man date before but I know that I need to socialize with my friends more. I love my girl to death but I need some me time.

 My oldest son and I spent an afternoon at the park playing basketball. We really had a good time. He will be 17 the day before my wedding. Where does the time go? 

Business

 I set up a record number of appointments (for me anyways) yesterday and made a bunch of follow-up calls.  I'm slowly overcoming my fear of  approaching people about my business.

Spiritual

 I read and meditated on a bible scripture when I got up this morning. I wrote it on an index card and carried it with me all day. I would stop and read it from time to time. I vow to perform this small act of faith everyday.

 Thanks for allowing me to share with you.

Round 2 begins on 4.17.2011. Tomorrow I will begin a 3 day (Thurs, Fri. & Sat a.m.) fast to clean out my system and begin "The X" with a blank slate. I will take my fit test and post my results and pics on this blog Sunday. I begin the X on Monday.

 I'm using Optimum Nutrition supplements throughout this round. My supplement regimen will be Opti-men multi-vites, Amino Energy pre-workout enhancer, After Max post-workout protein, and Nitro core 24 sustained release protein. My starting weight is 215lbs at 5'10". My goal is to lose 20-25lbs. That makes my target weight 195lbs. My calorie ceiling will be 2500 calories but I will stay in the range of about 1900 on most days. I will cycle my calorie intake between 200 to 500 calories of that 1900 to keep my body confused and really max my results.

 I'm going to commit to following the plan in it's entirety without any deviation. I really am not fond of yoga due to my very limited flexibility but that is precisely the reason that I need to do it-I hate ab ripper X too. I will be going for broke with my workouts in the realm of intensity. I'm maxing the resistance on every excercise I can. I've been lifting for most of my life so I'm pretty strong already and have a good physical foundation (small joints, wide shoulders, strong legs) to produce an amazing transformation. I'm lifting heavy, eating clean and blitzing the cardio. Sunday, July 17th will be the end of the recovery week and the introduction to the new me. I plan on putting together a video to submit to Beachbody as well at this point, Wish me luck.

 The blog entry below was written on 04/12/10. My how time flies. It is painful to admit that not much has changed in my life since the day that blog was written. I continue to struggle in my relationships and my personal life. What I've begun to realize is that my transformation must begin from within and not from without. I thought that if I changed my body physically that it would help me relate and deal with my life better. For some that has been the case but for me not so much. I need something a little more comprehensive than just a physical fitness program. 

Everytime I begin P90X or any other fitness regimen I end up being plagued by the same inner demons that I've faced my entire life. This leads to depression, binge eating,  yo-yo weight loss/gain and eventually reverting back to unhealthy habits. I can't wish them away or positively affirm them away because they require/beg for my attention. Nothing will every move forward for me unless I create an overall lifestyle change in every area of my life. Below are a few small steps I've taken to take charge of my life:

 I've addressed work related issues with the owner's of the restaurant that I'm employed at in regards to easing up on my work hours and providing me with management help. I need to spend more time at home with my wife and kids than I have been. I also need to have someone to delegate smaller management responsibilities  to because as of right now I am the backbone of the business.

I'm scheduling myself quality time with friends and family in social settings away from home which I've rarely ever done before.

I'm also beginning a 2nd Round of P90x beginning on 4/17/2011. I lost 12lbs starting 1/1/2011 till today. I intend on posting beginning fit test stat's, daily blogs with completed meal plans and weekly photo updates.

A Legend in the Making!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Original Post

4/12/10 Begins day one of my p90x Challenge. My life sucks because I suck. I don't need to see the entire path just my next step. I need to forget my goals and just complete the activity and let the results take care of themselves. I've spent too much time -actually of my life focused on how I feel about a circumstance rather than just dealing with the situation. What would happen to my body if I complete 90 days of P90X? What would happen if within the 90 days of completing P90X I actually follow the eating plan? What kind of person would I become by accomplishing these feats? As of 4/12/2010 I sit here nearly 30lbs overweight, one missed paycheck away from being broke, overworked, fatigued, stressed out, anxiety ridden about the future and spiritually bankrupt but still here. My life is teetering on the brink of disaster with every passing moment yet I am still here which means I have the power to change my circumstances and change them I will. I am better than this. I've settled on living a mediocre life for too long but the sad part that I've failed to realize is that I've forced my loved ones to settle too. My kids, fiance and friends have also settled on a mediocre person with low energy and self esteem as well. It's not fair that I do this to them. They deserve me at my best.