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I have a long history of confidence abuse and eating disorders.

When I was between the ages of 9-13... I was overweight. I was angry and confused. It wasn't my fault. Nobody was teaching me how to eat or even what to eat.

Junk food was always available to my brother and myself. We always had ice cream, chocolate, dunkaroos, fruit roll ups... etc.

Pizza was always ordered for dinner.

I was too young to understand WHY i was different than everyone else. As far as I knew... my parents know best and this is what they feed me.. so it has to be good.

It was only until I hit 13 that I ran a muck on the new world-wide web, discovering the answers I had so desperately been seeking.

I was eating too much. I was eating wrong.

I became angry with my parents for not guiding me as they should have. To this day I resent them for it.

However... at 14, anger turned into self-control and rebellion.

I started to control what my parents purchased, what we ate, etc.

Slowly, the control took over and I began to abstain from food altogether.

I developed anorexia.

I suffered with this disease for many years... bringing me from 200lbs down to 96lbs on my 5'3" frame.

This resulted in physical problems such as hair loss, adrenal fatigue, hypoglycemia.. and the works.

A lot for a 14 year old to deal with.

At around the age of 18 my disorder took a new turn. I developed a taste for food again... I began to eat like a normal person. Life was grand.

Or was it?

Around 19 and 20 I developed binge-eating disorder. I could eat anything in large quantities. Go to a restaurant even if I wasn't hungry and devour a huge helping of food!

Obviously this put me into a depression. The depression made me eat more, which caused me to feel more depressed.. etc etc. It's a terrible and truly vicious cycle.

In the midst of all of this, I was experimenting with every kind of diet and lifestyle you could think of.

Raw Vegan? Been there.
Fruitarian? Done that.
Raw Meat? Yep.
Starvation? Mhm.
5-Bite Diet? I gave it a go.

However, when I turned 21... the binge-eating got the best of me. I was now back up to 150lbs+.

I decided to take back that control I once had. I started to purge (throw up). It made me feel AMAZING the first few times.

Look at my control! Look what I can eat and not feel guilty for!!

The amazement didn't last long...

The purging took over my life.
I was uncomfortable eating anything unless I could purge it.
This made social interaction very difficult.

As well, I began to binge twice as hard. Simply because I WANTED to throw it up... I was yearning to feel that CONTROL, over and over.

I really do not wish this problem upon anyone... The electric chair seems but a dream in comparison.

So... as of 4 months ago, I vowed to stop. Stop it all. Stop binging, stop purging, stop worrying, stop thinking, stop stressing and start fucking LIVING AGAIN!!!!

This year is a year of metamorphosis.

It's time to let change in.
It's time to let go of all control.

I'm going to do what I can, when I can in terms of working out.

I'm going to eat what I desire, when I am TRULY hungry.. and stop when I am TRULY FULL.

...It's time to breathe...