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After reading my transformation story, and hopefully, should you feel inspired, please do not hesitate to contact me at KJLOVE05@aol.com with questions, comments, and even about becoming a Coach. You too can inspire and move mountains.

Whatever we choose to do in life whether it’s positive, negative or indifferent, we ultimately make a conscious decision. Yet, decisions and choices, for me, are frightening. Stepping into the unknown, taking a leap of faith, or simply putting it in the hands of the Universe was beyond the realm of the world I had created, but for some reason, when I saw the P90X infomercial, the changes were already occurring without my even being aware of it. The subconscious is amazing.

I had ordered bands a few days after the New Year, 2008, hoping the purchase would somehow spark my desire to workout again. I had been complacent, house-bound, and could not make a conscious choice to change. Specifically, I struggle with Borderline Personality Disorder, Major Depression, and a slew of other anxiety disorders that make my life, well, that make my emotional life, a rollercoaster. You can just imagine, if the emotional state is at unrest, so too is the physical state.

A month passed before I finally ordered P90X. I thought about it quite a bit, but as I said, making a decision was difficult for me. After ordering it, little did I know that P90X would become an integral part of my life.

I have completed 4 Rounds of the X with results, I believe, are humbling. Oh yes, there’s been a physical transformation, but it’s the growth of the soul that I consider to be the true spirit of a P90X transformation. In this past year, I have put every ounce of my being into this program, testing my endurance, my strength and my will. Has it been easy? Absolutely not. Has it been worth it? Without a doubt, yes. The more I began to indulge myself in the X, the more I began to indulge in life. I began taking baby steps, and, at the Universe’s calling, I decided to take a leap of faith. You see, my soul was awakening from it’s dormant state. I was now able to see beyond my emotional struggles, and the four walls of the house that I had imprisoned myself in. Of course, that’s not to say this journey has not been without physical as well as emotional pain. The physical pain has always been bearable, but the emotional, has, and continues to be difficult. You see, close to the end of my third Round, my partner and I suffered deep grief. We were preparing to take in a 16 month old baby boy who had lived his entire life in a local children’s hospital, but was soon to be discharged. Although he would still require constant medical assistance at home, we knew, above all else, we could offer him love. My partner met him when she began volunteering at the hospital. They formed a tremendous bond and when I met him, the love was instantaneous. I would visit him with my partner and the bond that Roland and I shared was a beautiful miracle. While at his bedside, I taught him paddy-cakes, and, he loved to watch me do moves from the X, always clapping after I finished. My partner would tell him that someday he would do the X with me. After we talked for weeks, and through many discussions with social workers, his biological mother (who lived out of the country and was unable to care for him) as well as attorneys, my partner was set to become his legal guardian. We finished his room on a Sunday, and my partner was set to sign the paperwork the following week. But, two days after finishing Roland’s room, on Tuesday, Baby Roland passed unexpectedly. This was two days before Thanksgiving, 2008. Roland had a wonderful prognosis, and the doctors had pointed out that he had made remarkable progress since my partner began working with him. She is a beautiful, compassionate, amazing human being. And, although her commitment to volunteering was one day a week, she went every day to rock him to sleep. Roland was, and will forever be the love of our lives. I was so profoundly affected by Roland. For the first time in my life, I felt hope. Forty-four years old, and feeling hope for the first time. Isn’t that amazing? Between the X and Roland, I felt as though my journey’s path was becoming clear.

After the loss, I wanted to give up on the X, because quite frankly, I was ready to give up on life. I could not bear the thought of life without Roland. I continued to workout, but my heart was not in it. Each move was mechanical, and it was more a matter of simply getting through the workout, than actually getting results. But, one day I put some pictures of Roland next to the television and when I looked at him, I knew what I needed to do, and what he would want me to do. “Mommy, bring it.” No, my partner and I were not his biological mothers, but, in our hearts, and we knew in his heart, we were indeed his Mommies. Before Roland spread his angel wings, the hospital took his hand/footprints for a memory box. A few days later, Roland’s handprint was tattooed on my calf and is a constant reminder of our many days playing paddy-cake and the X. I dedicate this transformation to him. His angel whispers have gently pushed me forward, and, I am proud to say, I finished Round 3, and just completed Round 4. Now, if only I could show you transformation pictures of my soul. There’s now a flame where there once was none. Yes, I still struggle emotionally, but I am trusting the Universe will continue to guide me.